heathervescent

Amsterdam, Trust and the Tao

I've been in Europe for about a week now. I came over to talk at TedxZwolle. I'll talk about my fantastic experience there in another post soon, but for now, I want to write about a thing rolling around in my head.

My heart has been so broken. My trust broken too.  Felt like a big dream was not just impossible - but impossible not against the odds. It didn't work. I couldn't wrap my head around the possibility of impossible despite efforts. The will is exhausted and the way is blocked. There is nothing I can do, but acquiesce and move on with my life. A train pulling away from another, building speed, along a different track. 

So this hurt, I'm trying to make sense of. Trying to rebuild my life, my sense of self, my identity. Heal my wounds. Jettison baggage. The idea of having to date again is soul crushing. I don't think about it. This is my time. Time to do. Time to be.

This last week, flying to Europe, walking around London, Amsterdam, Zwolle. Taking the trains. Staying in people's homes, an occasional hotel. I put myself out there again. I decide, with the switch of a light switch, to trust again. These people have not hurt me. I can't hold the hurt others have given to me against them. So I trust. Why not?

Trust returns. Pain fades. Amazing opportunities, exciting syncronicities appear. My train gains speed.

To the point of epiphany today, here in this city. Where I am reminded I am the universe. If I am the universe, then my pain is the universe's pain. And the universe is also the "cure". So I walk these streets, gazing at the tall canal houses. I lose myself to re/create myself. I mirror the Tao to create the world I dream and give it back to the Tao. I enter the Tao, one with it as the Tao, and change it, by acquiescing to my dream, becoming the world. All I have to do is align with the Tao. And here in these city streets today, I have begun.

Speaking at TedxZwolle

I'm pleased to announce I am speaking at the Tedx event in Zwolle next month! I will be talking about the Future of Transactions and Shopping.

I'm revamping and cherry picking the best from previous presentations and sharing new themes from recent research. Most recently I have been working on the ideas around solving all the world's most difficult problems (no kidding!) and I am weaving these concepts in to my talk. This will be the first time these ideas are shared outside of a small group. I'm very excited - and I hope you are left inspired and positive about future possibilities. 

If you're in Amsterdam Area March 9-14 - let please meet up! 

Announcing: The Future of Transaction Survey, Year 3

As our economy and technology evolve, the Annual Future of Transactions Survey tracks the way we spend money and the types of money we spend, including questions about Bitcoin, Mobile Payments, virtual and alternative currencies. 

The 2011 and 2012 results were analyzed and thanks to the financial support of Innotribe, produced into two short video scenarios depicting how we will buy and sell in the future, “Flowers for Grandma” and “Fly Me to the Moon,” which was nominated for Most Significant Futures Work of 2012 by the Association of Professional Futurists. Data from the surveys was shared with audiences at SxSW, Web 2.0, Future of Money Summit, and the Digital Money Forum. 

Click here to participate in the Third Annual Future of Transactions Survey! 

The results will be available later this year, and will be combined with the data from the 2011 and 2012 surveys to track the emerging trends in our transaction behaviors.

Dolphins

This morning I had to run a long delayed errand out in Venice. It was a great excuse to put the convertible down and enjoy the beautiful LA weather. Since I was out there, I called up a great friend and we walked down to the beach for coffee. 

We're catching up, sharing dreams for the coming year while sitting just beyond the hide tide mark watching the ocean. Directly in front of us, I notice dolphins among the waves. We watch them jumping into the air, high jumps, low jumps. Soon pelicans flock to the same spot - pausing and diving into the water. We speculate they must be feeding. We watch the dolphins. They stay in our view for 30 minutes or more. It's a fantastic sight. Inspiring. After a particularly spectacular series of jumps I exclaim, pointing to the dolphins, "I want my year to be exactly like that!"

I'm less inclined to create a laundry list of goals and achievements and blah for 2013. Bring magic. Bring synchronicity. Bring joy. Bring happiness. Bring adventure. Bring awe-some projects. Bring renewal. Bring abundance. Bring balance and a bit more stability (but not too much!).

Inspired by this morning's show, I invoke you, Dolphin, to be my power animal for 2013.

2012 Recap by numbers

I just finished my 2012 goals/practices recap. 2012 was a very ambitious year. I had 77 different goals and practices. 2012 was also the shittiest year of my life so far. I took a huge risk professionally and while I have a list of moderate successes (none included in the numbers below, those were a different set of goals), I endured trauma. One risk was leaving my stable ground of Los Angeles. I leveled up, but I didn't play the game by traditional rules. Adding insult to injury, I endured collateral damage at home. While regaining a small footing, the biggest blow came. It wasn't unexpected, and the timing wasn't the absolute worst; but it's not like I needed another thing to be angry about. Things got bad. Very bad. But then I remembered, I have nothing left to lose. So it's back to being who I am, and creating, living, dreaming and manifesting my life. As soon as I could, I went on the road to see the American Lands. The open road and the long timescale of earth's land masses calms me. Gives me perspective. I'm here in Utah, a tilted prehistoric lake, I am finally ready to put 2012 behind me.

But before I do, let's recap the numbers. I had 77 "goals" and "practices" in my yearly mindmap. Of those:

• 51% were Achieved (27%) or Practiced (24%)
• 16% are In Progress (and with positive upward trajectory)
• 10% were Interrupted
• 17% were Not Achieved 
• 6% were Not Applicable

Removing the interrupted and not applicable items, and considering the In Progress ones as successes, that's an 80% success rate. 80% of 64 items came to positive conclusions.

Not too bad.

Especially considering it being the year it was.

Thank you 2012. You gave me  the opportunity to learn lots of new things. You knocked me down and you landed multiple blows. But, I am stronger and wiser.

Eulogy for Mom

Tomorrow morning, I have to give an eulogy for mom. What the hell do I say? What can I say? Given a choice, I'd rather drink this bottle of Malbec and stress about my lack of funeral clothes. So, here goes, old blog. Let's get to writing. 

Hi everyone. I want to thank you for coming out today to celebrate the life of my mom, Pamela. 

I don't need to tell you what an energetic, thoughtful, friendly, person she was. We all know that from her actions. So I thought I'd share some stories about her. I was reminded of these stories going through her things and coming across some photos of our travels together.

Growing up, it was really cool to be her daughter. I knew it was special, but I didn't realize how special it was until much later, that mom enabled me to experience the world and many different cultures so early in life. My parents often talked about their time in Italy. I always had an awareness of the world that was larger than the small town I grew up in; especially thanks to the Italian Globe Bar in the library. Mom introduced me to many high cultural tastes like sparkling water, which I have come to live off of. Pasta was always spaghetti carbonara (never with red sauce or peas). And desert wasn't worth mentioning unless it was chocolate mousse. With mom, it wasn't the world on a shoestring - it was the glamorous life, even if we were at home. I remember jars of Nutella from Europe in the pantry and once my brother and I woke up to a a live lobster in the crisper! Which we later cooked with great celebration.

When I was 14, mom took me to Egypt. This was a dream trip and I look back on it as one of the highlights of my life. During the two week trip, mom would keep me behaving properly by joking that she might sell me to the many men who attempted to buy me. I understood I was traveling in a more primitive culture so I was never worried, plus there was no way mom could transport 50k camels back to Missouri!

I was an old hat at International First Class travel. While most of my trips were domestic, I would stand in the international terminal in St. Louis and dream of exotic locations. All free thanks to mom's air passes. 

Later, I took a trip Istanbul with mom and my grandmother in the nose of a 747. We flew first class of course. You could still smoke on airplanes back then. A famous pop star sat a few rows ahead of us. I recognized him (he was from Milli Vanilli) and joked to mom about going to talk to him. Mom replied back, seriously, you should interview him for your school newspaper. I shrugged off the idea, saying I'd do it after take off. We had a 6+ hour flight from JFK to Paris, but mom wouldn't let me forget. I rallyed my courage and talked to him. Eventually his manager and me swapped spots and we spent a few hours chatting as we crossed the Atlantic. 

Experiencing these diverse cultures at an early age gave me a larger view of the world. It has made me who I am. I'm thankful for these world experiences. 

I wasn't one of these kids that hid things from their parents. (This was impossible anyway.) It was difficult to surprise her no matter how hard I tried!  However, the reverse was not true. One evening we were sitting on our beds in a shared hotel room. I was playing with my computer, when from mom's side came the sound of America The Beautiful on Harmonica. I stopped everything I was doing as my jaw dropped. I thought, when did mom start playing the Harmonica!!! She still had the ability to surprise me. I thought it was so cool that she played Harmonica. She then told me about her harmonica trio. I was so excited to be surprised by her! I know playing harmonica gave her great joy.

Most of all, mom taught me I could do anything. It wasn't an explicit lesson. I saw mom do all kinds of things, so naturally I went ahead and did them too - and a lot more. I didn't realize not everyone had a mom like her. To this day, I do what I want, I am who I am because I can be and that's because mom always supported me. She never held me back (except for that one time she wouldn't let me go to debate camp). She was my biggest supporter - and while I never did anything for her approval - I didn't have too - knowing she was proud of me in my achievements meant a lot, especially my speaking and career successes.

I remember when mom told me about her cancer. Back in 2009 I asked for a miracle. I wanted her to have a few more years. There were many things she still wanted to accomplish, do, see. Mostly to see Aedyn grow up. I think she used her time well. She wrote a book and became an educational advocate for ovarian cancer. Still, we all wish she was still with us today.

I have more stories of mom, as I'm sure you all do, but I won't keep you here all day. While the physical form we called Pam, or mom is no longer with us, I don't think she's gone. I have a version of her up here - with me at all times. We all do. I know I can always talk to that person. It's a shadow of the real person we knew and will miss. But inside us, she lives on. And for now, that's the best we can ask for.

PDX Closings

It's the hardest part of the marathon. I'm past the mid-point, but do not see the finish line. 

This morning, I am in the center of chaos. A chaos of my making. A pre-requisite of the new order. It's not a choice. The path is often messy. Chaos does not scare me. Nor order. I pull both sets of strings.

Clothes are out of drawers, closets. Surfaces are covered with items to be sorted. To be distributed. A life unraveling. Threads of a story, unwoven, extracted, to be threaded into other stories, lives. Some known, some unknown.

There is no end. There is no beginning. Except there are.  Bookends.

And while all this ending/beginning is occurring in this space, all around me is the world. Cars driving across the bridge. A ship being built. The river keeps flowing. Eating. Sleeping. Breathing. 

It's more chopping wood, carrying water.

A 10 to the 9

I'm at 30k feet. Looking at the window. For some reason, my mood always lifts when I'm in an airplane. It's the traveling I guess. Anyway, I'm starting down at the snow capped Sierras, Tahoe, Mono Lake, then Pyramid. Farther east I know is the playa. Then it's the cascades.

But my mind is elsewhere.

I'm thinking about Saturday. Santacon. I look at the pictures. I see things I missed. I was behind the scenes a lot this year. I feel like I missed out. At least I did the mosh pit. That was a sight, Santa Punk Band, Santa Mosh Pit. And the teenage punk Heather couldn't hold back. I jumped right in. I didn't stop the person lighting fire on the dancefloor. I just thought, damn, we're going to get kicked out.

I take a lot of shit for that event. Fucking anti-authority trolls. It used to irritate me. Now, it's a badge of honor.  They don't get it. I accept them into my integral paradigm. Raging against me as an authority figure is a fucking joke. These are my misfit children. They have to hate me.

Who was it that inspired this in me? Easy answer: Patron Saint Cacophony: Michael Mikel aka Danger Ranger. 

I am one of his 10 to the 9. 

10 to the 9 is a phrase Singularity University uses to talk about impacting 1 billion people. That sounds like a daunting task, but it's not really.You have to impact 10 people, who each impact 10 more people out to 9 exponential powers.

I'm thinking about the many emails I get each year; thinking about the photos (and experiences I personally missed) this year. I'm wondering if the guy sitting next to me was there wearing a Santa suit. Then I wonder if the flight attendant was. I imagine my fear of public speaking melting away as I imagine my audience wearing a variety of Santa suits. I remember my late night conversations in Boardners. The creativity people expressed in their holiday costumes.

And here it is. One of my own 10 to the 9s.

I don't even know who I impersonally impacted. And many don't even know it's me holding this moving temporary autonomous zone for Santa's Cacophony. And that's ok. Because I know by the mere fact of it existing - me helping it exist - the world has changed.

Quiet in the Morning

The sounds of the morning resemble that Pink Floyd song. An English Breakfast or something like that. Loud clicking clock in the kitchen. Sounds of making coffee. Striking the match. Pouring the water. Sitting in my living room, sunlight streaming through the window. Dog silently sleeping. My gaze wanders from spot to spot. Thoughts arise in my mind. Thoughts like ambient melodies. Fading in and then out. I breathe. I drink my coffee. I am relaxed. It's been a long time since I've woken up feeling this way. Feeling my normal usual self. It's all I want to do. To sit in the silence of my room. Morning sunlight. Drinking coffee. All quiet. No desire to put my wants and hopes and dreams on the day. Only to see what may become.

Mist in the Night

It's a Northwest day. We don't have many of these in Los Angeles. They are nice. Misting all night, maybe a light pitter patter. The sidewalks show their many shades of grey. The sky reflects these like a mirror. 

Moisture makes the pavement absorb what light filters through the mist. I zip through Hollywood traffic to the Valley, returning back via Laurel Canyon. As I'm driving home through these iconic hills, I watch my speed. It's new asphalt, black and gleaming and just aches for dancing up the gears. But I know the cops watch this, so I keep it purring softly. I glide through the turns, pairs of white lights snaking down the other side. 

I crest the top and we coast into the valley, mist rising out of the darkness. 

I can't help but think, this is the city I love. These dark, misty nights, streets black with moisture, my hand on the stick, safe in the grid.

Climate Change = Good?!

This is a quick blog post following up my tweet here. 

It might seem like a radical perspective, but what I'm really doing is challenging our traditional view. Before I turn the view upside down, what do I understand that traditional view to be?

• Global warming is BAD (for humans, the environment, life)
• That we (humans) caused it.
• There's a sense of guilt (the elephant in the room) around the topic of global warming and climate change.
• There's a sense of urgency, as if we don't do something immediately, all is lost.
• There's this (stupid red herring) argument about whether climate change is actually happening, whether scientists evidence is valid. 
• Values and beliefs are drug into this debate as well - it's science vs religion in the boxing ring.
• Global warming will kill the earth

For the record, I am comfortable with the scientific evidence showing a warming earth; but I really don't care.

Why?

Because I take a very long term view. (Longer than the Long Now Foundation.)

We see this problem only from a human/known life/so called earth/global view. 

I think it's a little audacious to think us puny humans are going to do something so dramatic as to KILL THE EARTH?!?! Now, what global warming may do is make the environment inhabitable for human and other current life as we know it.  (Past science shows our climate has not always been hospitable for the kind of life that exists today.)

But in the scheme of the universe - a universal timescale - maybe we puny humans are a mere blip. Who really cares whether we live or die? (Except us.) I don't have the kind of preciousness or urgency around this topic.

I don't have much love for the human species, even being part of it, so I frankly don't care whether we live or die.  When I bubble this thinking up to life in general, I take a stronger interest. I would be seriously bummed if all life went away, ceased to exist - but that's going to happen at some point anyway, so why cry about a certain possibility? (OK, you're right, it's not a certain possibility.) The bummer for me about all life as we know it ceasing - is that then life has to start over from scratch again to do whatever it's unfolding itself to do. But life has a lot of time to develop itself, so what do I know as a puny human blip.

In my mind, the only reason global warming is a potential problem is that it might wipe out all life. 

But I don't actually think that is a real possibility. 

It's because life is resilient. Sure, the environment might shift so that lots of living things die. Bummer for those things. But life will continue on, in some form. It will evolve. Who knows to what?! Maybe something more awesome-better-creative-cool-new.

So now that you know where I stand, I'll share my flipped view of global warming. 

I was reading/watching this article/video, sent to the WFSF (World Futures Studies Federation) listserv. It's going on and on about the very real problems of permafrost melting, glaciers melting and how this is a reinforcing feedback loop to increase warming. I totally get it. It's a big problem if you want the world to stay the same. 

Watching this, fresh in my mind is a presentation/paper I wrote about BIG PROBLEMS FACING HUMANITY. The usual suspects: global warming, resource limits. 

And all I could think watching that video was - AWESOME - more fresh water (solve your fresh water problem - lots of fresh pure melting ice caps!) and more land mass (manifest destiny Antarctica!). I could see, that rather than cold, white caps, verdant green fields of farms and towns. It's not that far-fetched! Forget about Mars, Antarctica is right here.

Hell, we might even find something crazy and mindboggling in the melting ice! Things revealed that we might never know if we hadn't turned on the global hairdryer. Where are the scientists and entrepreneurs to catch this fresh water melt off before it goes into the ocean? Opportunities!

Now, as I said in the first sentence, I know this is a radical perspective. I don't actually think anyone would back it up. And I'm not saying that we should stop doing anything to reduce our impact on the climate. But I am asking us to challenge our usual thinking.

We look at this situation as if we (humans) are separate from climate. We're two sides of the same coin. The (previous) climate contributed to the creation of us, just as we changed the climate. 

I'm saying, shake up your thinking! Get out of your usual paradigms of thinking.

Cool Night

I've spent the day cooking. The house smells like simmering black bean chili. Spicy. Warm. The dog is sticking close to me, giving me his doggy eyes. None for you tonight little beggar. 

I made the decision to cheer the fuck up today. Enough of the doom and gloom and anger and frustration and going over the unfairness of it all in my mind. Hey - I don't live in those realities anymore. That's the past, biotches. Let it go. Never have to interact with those people again, so quit going back.

It got pretty bad. (I'm sure it will get bad again.) It didn't help that I got the triple, 1-2-3 punch. All while shifting my stability to a new paradigm. I wanted to finish my commitment, then disengage to heal the massive trauma I had sustained. Only that was when the biggest blow was delivered. Yeah, it took the heathervescent down. Down into some really dark places. It's a miracle I'm here. In some realities, I am no longer experiencing time/space. I had completed all I was to do. But that is not this one. Blood remains flowing in my veins.

You know what world, don't make me go through that fucking shit again - at least not without an army behind me. OK? Got it? I'll do a lot of crappy work, and I'll persevere, but don't put me in a situation were so called allies stab me in the fucking back and sabotage my work, ok. And while I'm dictating to you the future I will no longer tolerate - no bullshit politics either. I know you're eating their souls for dinner, but you know, I'd really prefer to not interact with them. Life is too short to weigh myself down. We got a lot to do here and I'm not the one staying home watching Roku looking for a comfortable life. Strengths Finder remember. I'm here to kick ass. Not play political games and live a comfortable life.

But enough about that. I was really writing to you, to tell you of the sight in the sky.

Mr Dog and I went out for the evening walk. It's winter in Los Angeles. Cool. Means I have to wear a jacket. The air is moist - cool like the marine layer. Overcast sky, just a few clouds twinkling through. 

The full moon rises through the illuminated slate grey sky. I love a full misty Los Angeles Moon. Silhouetted Palm Trees. A slight breeze. Twinkling. I made out a moving grey image in the sky. A slight flashing. It was the blimp. It floated like a gentle beast in the air. Grey on grey illuminated by misted moonlight. Helicopters flashed their red and white lights; complimenting the stars that poked through the night clouds. 

There are others walking at night. I am one of them. One of many living in this city of dreams. Breathing in this air. Walking these streets. I need no validation to be here. This is my city. We feed each other. We are one exploring this reality, what could be and what will never become.

On these misty nights, I am reminded of the veil of this city. It you are loyal or even if you are lucky, you will see through the veil, the ocean mist, the overcast moonlit night - and you will see dreams. And if you are skilled, you can pull that dream possibility back with you, as you walk along the street with your dog, and you can make it real.

Flowers for Grandma

Flowers for Grandma shows an emerging concept called Intentcasting, spearheaded by Doc Searls. Lots of information on his site at Harvard. The idea is a paradigm reverse that enables shoppers to request fulfillment. Retailers respond to the request. As shown in the video, a 5 second request results in 12 responses. 

Watch.

 

There are a few things I'd like to draw attention to. While the main focus of the short is on Intentcasting, several other concepts are braided into this design future. 

• Transparent screens: This is more and more becoming a reality. h/t to Sam, my technical advisor for these product designs.
• System Currencies: The intentcasting application (Syncbidz) uses it's own currency.
• Computer as Transaction device: I used the same SecureCoin from Fly Me to the Moon, integrated into the hardware. It's no secret the SecureCoin is based off Bitcoin, backed by a central transaction infrastructure.
• Voice recognition: The voice recognition was inspired with Windows Live Mobile - an application the predated Siri by at least 2 years. The APIs for voice activated commands exists.
• Seamless sharing: While merely touched upon, specific pieces of data can be share with pre-authorized devices. It's an invisible example of the internet of things + digital asset grid control management with real time changing data.
• Beautiful mobile connective hardware: In both, Fly Me and Flowers, the physical objects that interact with the technology infrastructure must be beautiful from a traditional aesthetic. That smart bracelet is also pure silver. From a personal perspective, I'm not interested in using a bluetooth device until it looks like a beautiful piece of jewelry. I am not interested in looking from Star Trek. 
• Video Cards: This idea came from a conversation with my Technical Advisor, Sam. As video cameras and screens become more flexible and disposable, it's going to be easier than ever to send a video card. 
• Finally, and in my mind, most importantly, this shows a future with the customer/individual in control of their data. The world of the digital data transfer (which is shown in Slices of Life) is hidden and we see only the user experience. It's a positive, delightful, happy experience. There is no fear about who is using or mis-using personal data. 

The technology to make this vision real already exists.

If you're interested in the inspiration for this short, it's from my real life. I really send my grandmother flowers each month. Because that's the kind of world I want to live in.

--

Updates: Rob's Hummingbird comment reminded me to share the shooting story behind it's cameo. It was a Sunday morning about a year ago, and we were shooting at the house. There were these two hummingbirds that would not leave us along. Over and over they would zip around the crew. One was particularly bold. He dive bombed up several times. We kept rolling, something wrong with each take (a shifting overcast Los Angeles sky). Finally, the lighting was perfect and we rolled. It was during this take, Mr Bold Hummingbird zipped into the frame and paused right in front of the camera for more than a split second. I was watching from the porch and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. 

There's also an inside joke for a certain Internet Identity community. ;)

Granny Punk

Granny Punk is a style term I use to describe my living style.

When I think about the term Granny Punk, I think of my grandmother. She's the Granny part, what I bring is the punk part. Taking her style, mixing it with my modern edgy things equals my most comfortable style.

Classic glasses, tea sets, silver ware. Home cooked food. Bakery items. Home-Made.  Time to prepare. Comfort. Traditionally Edgy. Black lace, white doilies. Classic glamor. Champagne. The good life. It's not giving a fuck. Loving my mish-mash of style. My Clockwork Orange print alongside grandma's antique carved table and my classic purple velvet sofa. Cocktail glasses from the 20s, 50s, 70s. A cut glass candy dish. A bouquet of roses. A nice cheese plate. Comfort and style. No girdle required. You don't have to worry about looking young and skinny with no wrinkles. You've lived through life - and it hasn't always been easy - but you survived and you have stories and knick knacks and that batik from Africa along with the horse from India. So come on into granny's house, except this granny is under 40 and her children don't speak english and wear fur.

Desert Winds

My city lights twinkled like the universe below me. I grabbed my bag from the overhead compartment. The smell of the city, of Los Angeles' moist cool jetfuel tinged air curled into my nostrils and my lips curled into a smile of pleasure. The sound of fine shoes echo through LAX's underground tunnel to baggage claim.

The wind whipping the palm trees on my street. Rustling the palm fronds. Clear night like the blackness of the desert. The wind swirls around me as I walk Mr Dog in this misplaced desert night blowing through this city. I think, smiling, if you can't go to the desert, the desert comes to you. I am thankful for these strong, cold, clear Santa Ana winds. 

At night, I bundle from their chill, remembering times around a sole flickering campfire. During the day, I strip down to t-shirts and hike the heat warmed creosote chaparral. Sweet dust desolation. 

I think of empty Mountain Ranges. Full fat moons rising in a pink sky. Black and white lunar surfaces of rock. Hot black cracked pavement. These memories evoked by these swirling winds of the desert. Penetrating my heart, finding the pain, drying it's wet bloody crying to dust, blowing from my heart to join with dust in these Santa Monica Mountains, the San Gabriels and beyond.

Possible, Plausible, Probable

These are three terms that are used often by futurists. I recently reviewed a lovely paper by Ruud van der Helm, that looked at the difference between these three terms. 

Enjoy.

Towards a clarification of terms from heathervescent

Breakfast in Bed

As I've mentioned, Mom was a flight attendant. That meant she was gone from home a lot, but home a lot too. One of my favorite things to do was to make her breakfast in bed. On a Saturday morning, my brother and I would get up early and Mom would still be sleeping. (She might have gotten home late at night or maybe at 6am that morning.)

I'd enlist my brother in the kitchen to help. Mom had this great wicker bed table and I would lay a full First Class breakfast for her complete with linens, multiple pieces of silverware for the courses and a fresh rose from the garden. The menu was usually some melon, scrambled cheese eggs (a family favorite), maybe a piece of bacon or sausage, some toast or a fresh scratch baked biscuit. (I was quite a cook back then - as I am now.)

We'd open the curtains. I might have gotten my brother to take the tray into mom and we'd jump into bed with her with our own plates. I always made too much food for her. In retrospect she was probably pretty jetlagged.  But who can complain when your two blonde kids come in with a full breakfast tray. We were happy to see her.

Chad and I found that wicker breakfast tray in her garage a few weeks ago. I pulled it down and talked about it. He didn't want it, so that's one thing that's coming back to LA with me. 

It's a bittersweet memory for me. It's one of the things I did for my mom, because I wanted her to have that experience. Partly I wanted her to give her that experience, because that was the experience I myself wanted to have. It's going to be a bittersweet memory, because if I want that tray filled with breakfast again. I will probably have to do it. Instead of the experience of receiving it.

 

 

My Grieving Rules of Engagement

As I am dealing with my mom's death

• I may not always act at my best. But I am always trying to do my best.
• I will not accept personal or judgemental attacks on my behavior, even if I am not acting my best.
• I will not accept personal attacks on taking time to take care of myself.
• I will give myself as much time as needed to deal with the death of my mom and her estate.
• I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you are doing your best, and not judge or attack you for your behavior.
• I will protect myself when I am attacked.
• I will have compassion and empathy to the best of my ability.

I am doing the best I can, honoring my human form, my emotions, dealing with this difficult time. I ask for care, kindness and compassion. 

I refuse to go through the grieving process isolated and alone. I refuse to bottle up my emotions. I refuse to bury my sadness in work and other distractions. I refuse to pretend that I can take on and solve everything. 

I know through time, space, compassion and attention I will come through this grief recovery process with the wonderful memories of my mom, with her estate wrapped up in a teal bow and with closure for her amazing life.

Death Ramblings

(This post was written on Oct 18)

I was on Highland when I got the call from my brother. I was driving to Hollywood, to kick off the first Los Angeles Ignite at CineSpace (several years ago). I knew something was up. My brother and I weren't really talking to each other much at the time. I wondered who died. It was my Grandfather - Poppa Schlegel - the Patriarch of the Family. I pulled over to the side of the road before I answered the call.

Twenty minutes later, I was at the venue. My phone rang again. It was my Dad. I stepped into an empty closed back room and talked for 10 minutes. My Dad told me how Poppa died. We talked. And then I had to get off the phone, take a deep breath, and get up on stage and introduce the evening. And laugh and smooze and stuff. 

I did it. 

Part of me did it to see if I could do it. If I could segment the news of the passing of the family patriarch and go on with the show (called life). 

I had my moments of mourning later. I went back to my hometown, to the Church, to bury Poppa in the cemetery I spend so many teenage goth years hanging out in, a few blocks from his house.

----

I'm reminded of this. I'm reminded of Poppa's death. I've been in Portland for much of this week. My mom is dying. 

It is amazing how stripped down things get. How things boil down to their essence. My schoolwork, goes undone. I have, against all odds, produced the most amazing third film I have the honor to work on. I applaud the team I hired. I applaud what we have created together. It has been a nice distraction.

----

The veil is thin. 

I can already see her going.

I am thankful she is not in pain. I am in awe at the woman she is - the woman who is not my mother. The woman all these people know. I only knew her as my mother. But she stands as an amazing individual on her own. And I think about this. I think about this fabulous person who is my mother. Who had so many challenges in her life, and faced all of them, mostly alone, a single woman.

I'm sitting here in her guest room, finally having a view of her, as she is. Not wearing the mom glasses. Not doing the nitpicky things like telling me to stand up straight or stop biting my finger nails, but as the woman who travel around the world, who had great friends, who enchanted men all over the world and ended up being my mom in Kansas City, Missouri. 

I am honored to be her daughter.

Retro-causative grieving

Back in August, as I was preparing for my last trip to Europe, I had a premonition. I was driving around in my car, my beloved manual saab turbo and a weird thought popped into my head. I was going to get a new car. I thought, WTH, I don't need a new car. And besides I love this car. And then everywhere I looked, I saw my the same model my mom drives. And I felt, mom's going soon. I pushed the knowledge away.

As I was packing for the trip and talking with mom about it, I felt the knowledge again. That mom was going soon. Again, I pushed the knowledge away, after I briefly acknowledged it.

I didn't question it. I didn't deny it. I didn't tell anyone about it. I was dealing with enough shit in my life at the moment. Finishing up a film project I was proud of. Working through a crappy business situation, a disintegrating/bumpy romantic relationship all while keeping up a crazy travel schedule. I wanted to focus on the trip, finishing my commitments and exploring future possibilities.

Through all this, my emotional volatility increased. I chalked that up to my triple threat stress level. I couldn't stand my life. I almost ended it several times. I'd be fine one moment and the next, I'd flip out. While I am an intensely passionate individual, these emotional swings were exponential from any I previously experienced. Pretty much exactly what I am experiencing now that mom is gone.

About this time, I kept remembering this old boyfriend of mine. The last two weeks we were together, he was grieving for the loss of our relationship. I asked him about his behavior once, wondering why he was being like this now, before we broke up. (It was imminent that we were breaking up.) And he replied he was getting over it now, while we were still together, so he'd be done when we actually break up. Why did I keep remembering this?

There's this theory, called Retro-causality. Where the effects of an action are observed before the action occurs. Back in 2008, I attended a panel on the timing of conscious experience. This was the first time I heard about retrocausality and it was fascinating. And familiar. 

I've often had an uncanny ability to know just slightly what is coming next. My timing varies, sometimes it's seconds, other times months and more often than not - years. And despite my conscious attention to understand if these were just good guesses or what, I have no conclusion. However, I to support the hypothesis of retrocausality - always wondering how one might create an experiment to test it. Even myself individually. 

Despite being unconvinced of its existence from the scientific community, and myself at times; the only way I can explain my explosive emotional roller coaster the past few months, is with retro-causative grieving.

Dia de los Muertos

In honor of the Dia, I give you my alter-ego

and my first incarnation, from way back short blonde hair days

Why I lost my shit to Chase today

So Mom died a week and some change ago. She had two accounts with Chase (among many others). Many of these accounts refuse to give you any information unless you have a death certificate. In Oregon it takes about 2 weeks to get one. We got ours in 8 working days. 

I called most accounts the day or two after mom passed and notified them. Got the paperwork in motion, sent in the mail, while I waited for other things to move. Well, Chase, unlike EVERY OTHER ORGANIZATION I SPOKE WITH (and I spoke with 15+ of them) REQUIRED me to go into an ACTUAL BANK to speak to someone about mom's account. Well, I thought, there's no point talking to them until I have the Death Cert, so I waited until I had one. 

I was dreading going into a bank. I don't even remember the last time I did it. It was probably before the economic collapse. Anyway, today, after talking to the priest about mom's service and having a not so relaxing spa experience, I went in when I had a free hour before a dinner, thinking that I can at least get things started.

What ensued was that I waited to talk to a banker. Then when I told the banker what I was there for, he was not necessarily trained in all the death stuff. I had all the paperwork. We're dealing with both a trust and probate. I had statements and information about her accounts. I had information. I wanted to know my options. I wanted to know what could be done with the account.

What I got was a conversation with a middleman. Since my situation was complicated, and my dude (it wasn't his fault the company he works for has this situation) could not tell me anything about what to do himself. He had to call the legal department to find out the answer to every single question. After about an hour of this, and several calls, because every answer he gave me (telephoned from the legal team because I could not directly talk to them on the phone) caused me to ask an additional question, I was frustrated, but understood the fucked up system I had to deal with. I was about to walk out to report back to my brother and decide what we wanted to do.

Last item, I wanted to deposit a check that came to my mom into the account. It was for $207. 

Well, he said, after calling legal for like the 4th or 5th time, they couldn't do that now, because she was deceased. 

And I exploded. I'm not sure if I went full Angelino or New York Asshole, but I had it.

I was done with their fucking rules and bureaucracy.

I was trying to do the RIGHT THING - being deposit a check written out to my mom, BEFORE SHE DIED, into her account. 

But no.

They can't do that.

Instead, I have to request the check be written out to her estate.

And deposited into an estate account. (That doesn't exist yet, because I don't know big he estate is going to be filed as. And there's a snag in that, because they won't tell me how much is in her account, despite me being her daughter and beneficiary - to know at what size we have to file at for her estate.)

And guess who gets to do that legwork. 

And call the company to ask them to reissue the check?

Moi.

All because their bank can't take on the risk of the $207 check. READ THAT AGAIN. A $207 risk.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? 

And guess which fucking ivory tower legal team can only be talked to from a telephone puppet banker in a brick and mortar archaic bank?

I was so livid, I couldn't even think who I knew at JP Morgan to complain to. 

I know, they are NEVER GOING TO HAVE MY BUSINESS. And they shouldn't have your's either.

Really Chase, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Update on Mom, Me

It's been a week and a half without Mom. She passed rather quickly. Talk about exponential change.  I wrote a blog post on her blog a week or so ago to tell her friends there. 

I haven't really felt like talking about it much. Some days I feel like I am doing ok. Then the next thing I know, I'm hit with some emotion. Sadness, weirdness, anger.  Crying. Just par for the course.

I've been distracting myself with launching my latest film. With Los Angeles Santacon. With Stanislav Lem. With School. 

I've been spending a lot of time with my brother and his family. Me and Aedyn, my nephew, are great pals. (We're building on the great Thanksgiving lego experience.) It's healing.

I miss my dog. I miss Los Angeles tree lined streets. I miss some fucking stability.

Slices of Life

My latest design future, Slices of Life, is about personal data, personal clouds and how we might have our data work for us in the future.  I'm really proud how this came out. 

I hope you enjoy it.

 

The Digital Asset Grid

After 6+ months of work, I'm finally able to talk about this amazing project I've been part of. The Digital Asset Grid is a new platform to enable safe and secure transfer of personal data assets. With control of personal data assets with the individual. It's a paradigm shifting idea. 

Here's a short documentary I did about the project, and the video, Slices of Life, that describes the scenarios will go live on Wednesday. 

Enjoy.

The Time is Now

If you are going to love me

Love me now, while I can know

The sweet and tender feelings

Which from true affections flow

Love me while I am living

Don't wait until I am gone

And then have it chiseled in marble

Sweet words on ice-cold stone

 

If you have tender thoughts of me

Please tell me now

If you wait until I am sleeping

Never to awaken

There will be death between us

And I won't hear you then

So if you love me even a little bit

Let me know it while I am living

So I can know and treasure it.

- Unknown, found in my mom's important papers

On Death, #2

Mom's cancer is back. It's fast this time. It's bad. I think this is the one, despite my attempts to pull a positive wildcard out of the field of possibilities. I know a way exists, but perhaps, we already walked that way, and that's what's lead us to here. Perhaps I pulled that card three years ago.

It's hard seeing her weak. Watching her body fail. I think how hard it must be for her. I think of my own. Aging every day. I remember my grandmother's death. Her body. Our dreams each evening. Every night I fight in my dreams. I rip out lips and wander angrily, anxiously through dream corridors. I wake myself in the might, fighting with an invisible adversary, trying to take my favorite book from my hands. 

I find this quote, from Terrance McKenna,

I always thought death would come on the freeway in a few horrifying moments, so you'd have no time to sort it out. Having months and months to look at it and think about it and talk to people and hear what they have to say, it's a kind of blessing. It's certainly an opportunity to grow up and get a grip and sort it all out. Just being told by an unsmiling guy in a white coat that you're going to be dead in four months definitely turns on the lights. ... It makes life rich and poignant. When it first happened, and I got these diagnoses, I could see the light of eternity, a la William Blake, shining through every leaf. I mean, a bug walking across the ground moved me to tears.

I've spent the evening with a group of my mom's friends. I am reminded of my own deaths. Not many, a few. Those times I've turned the wheel. Those were not final. Those were metaphors, methods to help me become a person I could only dream of. My mom's death is not one of those. She will be gone. 

Anti-Fragility, take 2

Anti-fragility, coined by N. Taleb, is the concept that some things benefit from bumpy, chaotic shocks.  

I've written about my theory tying Fragility/Efficiency, Resilence and Anti-Fragility before. Driving around lost in the construction filled, closed freeway ramp and slow driving cars of Portland, a new example of anti-fragility showed itself to me: being lost.

To be efficient, to know the best routes at various times - one must experiment, explore, fail, be frustrated, get lost in the streets of a city only partially known. 

When we talk about progress, results and success, you've got the best shot for certain high results when playing in the efficient/fragile bucket. That's where the 10 steps to X, 5 best practices for N, Timothy Ferris recipes for optimization fall. You can follow those recipes, but even then success isn't guaranteed. It's just a recipe that has worked for someone else.

Anti-fragility is the space of wildcards and emergence. Sure you can win big, but you can also completely fail. And there's a lot more failure than success. (Actually, to be honest, the values of fail/succeed are not applicable in this bucket - except they are used by people from the efficient/resilient value set.) But when you're trying to create this kind of space in your organization, most upper management expects some kind of solid results.

Enter Resilience. 

A middle ground. Resilience has solid results. It's optimized for values of stability, consistency and certainty. Which perhaps isn't very optimized. Like jello, or silly putty it's about returning to a stable state. The known. Certainty.

It's moving between all 3 that is interesting. Sure you can hang out/prefer one of those buckets. Many ideas/concepts/companies/products/industries move through all of these. 

 

Option to not Dominate?

Thinking lots about competition, domination, collaboration, co-creation. Disheartened at our human limitations. The words in this favorite Stereolab song make themselves aware to my morning conscious. Listen. Read. Italics mine.

Margerine Melodie by Stereolab

When two people have a project
they begin a competition
In which there will be a winner and a loser
State of dominance over one or the other

This dominance is integral to
all human's ways and actions
The necessity to keep at disposition
An object or being desired by another

Knowing through training that he wants to keep it
Learning everyday, he will have to dominate

Our brain makes us act
behave and react
A pulsion that drives us to stay alive

Need to satisfy our fundamental needs
The nervous system enables that drive

Through consumerism, escape and struggle
As well as inhibition

All these mechanisms that preserve balance
Biological well being

Seems that until now we have used our brain
Just to dominate, just to dominate

Knowing through training that he wants to keep it
Learning everyday, he will have to dominate
When two people have a project
they begin a competition

We've to widen the knowledge of
how our brain works to understand
Or nothing will, will ever change
(?)Will to an end

Give birth without seizing
Act and except nothing
They flower let them free
Unite with the dust and be

Give birth without seizing
Act and except nothing
They flower let them free
Unite with the dust and be.

The Tarot Drome

A dank london tunnel. Moisture and crumbling stone walls. A Luchadore wrestling ring. I felt right at home.

The Mistress of Ceremonies enters the ring. Two cards are displayed. My throat chokes. Hot tears run down my cheeks. It's my situation exactly. (What I have started to refer as "Hogtied across the Atlantic"). She had me at Jodorosky. 

I find myself in a dream. I'm experiencing these things I am desperate to experience - the experiences I create for others - I'm in it now. It's not Alice in Wonderland - it's a segment of the Holy Mountain. I'm delighted, inspired, fully conscious in the moment.

I learn from the embodied cards. Ephiphanies. Understanding. Richer than I could have dreamed. Ending in a spectacle on roller skates.  This was exactly where I was suposed to be. This was exactly what I was suppose to experience. I leave the experience changed.

Words

One long present moment, dream flowing into dream.

Saragossa.

"The impossible is only temporary." says Muhammad Ali

I'm reminded of my catalyst activity.

Only this catalyst bleeds.

Drop by drop, remembering. 

A full red robust glass.

Drained over conversation.

I think of Redwood trees. Past companies.

Past lives.

Past adventures. 

Past moments, feed into present interpretations. Perception.

Projecting.

The Future.

The possible.

The impossible.

They are just moments.

Present moment, unfolding dream.

STL

"A true traveler has no fixed destination and is not intent on arriving."

I've been looking at flight timetables weighing possibilities for the past hour. I've got to get myself back to Europe sometime next week, but I'm traveling a different way. I'm traveling the way I used to travel. The way my Mom taught me. The way of the flight attendant.

I remember standing in the International Terminal of STL - that's St. Louis - one of the main departure hubs for TWA, the company my mother worked for. I lived just across the state in Kansas City and most flights on TWA connected through St. Louis. It was great, a short hop and then I could literally go anywhere in the world. 

I was probably returning home from a California Summer, arriving from John Wayne Orange County (SNA) or San Diego (SAN). 

That TWA International Terminal was full of possibilities. Milan. London. Paris. Zurich. Frankfurt. Rome. Berlin. Athens. Istanbul. Cairo.

Ah, Cairo. The memories of the bazaars. The stares at the blonde teenage Heather.

I never knew if I would get on the flight, but it was fine, because there was always another one, going someplace else, but nearby enough.

So as I head back to Europe in the next 10 days or so, I ponder where I will land. Will it be in Paris? (I haven't been in Paris, except for the Eurostar, in decades. What about Zurich? I always wanted to go to Switzerland. Or good old London? Dare I return to Germany? After my antics of decades ago and my very German last name, misleading my complete inability to sprekenzie Deutsch. 

It all depends on the ticket sales. 

I mentally pack my bag. I plan to attempt travel with merely a carry on. I plan to bring my favorite Joshua Tree painting. And I plan to bring an attitude of adventure, of luxurious time. Of travel on my terms. 

The Power of Planning

The crew was prepared to go until 10pm. I was hoping we'd be done by 8pm. Or 6pm best case scenario. We had a lot of material to shoot. Two days compressed into one. We had to get through it. We did it in lightening speed. The crew started leaving at 3pm. Most of them were gone by 3:30. I was home at 4:30pm. We got amazing footage. Gorgeous, magical footage. More footage than we excepted. At our usual exemplary quality. 

That is the power of planning. 

When I talk about planning, or try to do it on projects I am not the leader of, or suggest it to a team /individual that doesn't think highly of it I often get pushback about it's value.

There is this (mistaken) assumption that if you plan, you have to stick to the plan. Having a plan does not equal that you will never change it. I believe, and my experience shows that having a plan opens one up to more possibilities than without one. You not only have the possibilities that you explored systematically (and either agreed to implement or not) in the planning phase, but you also have all the possibilities that emerge magically, synchronistically of their own accord. 

In other words, when you have the baseline for success planned for execution, it's a lot easier to reach for superawesomeness. You can reach higher, farther, faster. Do more with less. You've got a plan to hit your goals, achieve what you need to achieve, and the resources to do it. But who likes to rest on their laurels? (Not I, and not the people I work with/hire.) We like to push it. We like to do more. We like to stretch. 

And you can push it, do more and stretch farther after you create a plan.

Sure you can chuck the plan out the window. Sure I know the quote that it's not about the plan, it's about planning. And I am 100% behind going with the awesome magical unknown.

My plans and planning gives me the flexibility, the efficiency and the resources to diverge from the plan - at any point and for any quantity. They give me peace of mind to do my best, to allow the people I work with/hire to do their best. I've thought about every last corner case and I'm open to the new, novel, innovative solution, idea or other perspective.

The movie magic that always happens. 

Those are the things I live for. That magic. The things you can't plan. Emerged perfection. The stuff you would never think of. I find those things happen a lot more when I have a plan. ;)

 

Klout: Old Language, New Paradigm

There is an unspoken assumption when one engages in a transaction, it is _one_ transaction. Most of the time the transaction getting the attention is the one that deals with money.

Do you pay in cash, credit card, mobile wallet, via square, via a different app on a smart phone? There's a lot of information about that kind of transaction that goes uncaptured. 

Value like your Yelp rating, your LinkedIn Recommendations - experiences you have about the transaction itself. Meta-Transaction information. With the help of Information Technology, this is changing.

Still from my short future film, Fly Me to the Moon,
of a Smart Check with specific integrated rating mechanism.

We know the importance of having a good reputation. It used to be calculated by the size of your rolodex. Today, we have LinkedIn Recommendations. While I can't cash out my LinkedIn Recommendations to pay my rent, they do have a direct influence on my cash flow.

Our consumption today is more sophisticated than ever - did we really care about shade grown free trade coffee before 2002? Or whether our consumer goods were made in ethical factories? (I'm looking at you Nike and Apple.) Perhaps not so much.

These values are generally difficult to specifically track. Sure the trends are strong, but the lines are fuzzy and often understood only after a delay (and there's a positive feedback loop going here too). Information Technology could change this. 

From the results of my research on transactions, I coined a new phrase: "Value-Encoded Currency." I use this term to describe a bunch of new "currencies" being explored in the marketplace. I use the term currency creatively - I do not limit it to financial instruments such as the dollar, euro, yen or renminbi. I may not go so far to say that data or reputation are currencies in themselves - in some ways they are, but they also lack some key characteristics and are generally pools of currency potential. Reputation and data have values and I consider them proto-currencies.

Bitcoin is a better example of a Value-Encoded Currency because it has both the characteristics of a traditional currency (exchange, transactions, an agreed upon value that can be exchanged) and it ALSO has specific values encoded into the DNA of the currency.  The values encoded in Bitcoin are peer-to-peer, decentralization, distrust in government/central agencies and highly technical. (Based on my survey from Summer of 2011.)

To some extent the US Dollar is a value encoded currency, with (watered-down) values of capitalism, free open markets, circulation, the American Dream. 

This is what I mean by a Value-Encoded Currency. The currency has certain values associated with it.

People will care about these values as we increase they ways (which includes apps and hardware dongles like Square) we can pay for things. More on that later... let me get back to Klout.

I've watched Klout since it opened. I was skeptical at first. I did not agree with the behavior its ranking system encouraged. You could game the system, rewarding people with higher scores for certain behavior. This made the system that Klout is trying to create less valuable overall. (Or perhaps only valuable to those who wanted to play within the Klout ecosystem.) Perhaps they realized that, with their two score resets (that I remember).

I interpret these score resetting or algorithmic tweaking as QA testing. They're not testing their software, they're adjusting the intelligence of the system. 

Klout is one of few companies exploring these waters, and I see it as the tip of an iceberg. That is, if they don't get seduced into the world of advertising and marketing building their network audience only to sell them out to the highest bidders. The advertising model is at best short to medium term. There is a much bigger pie long term, and Klout could play a defining role in that. Klout is already playing a defining role in it.

Long-term, Klout could become a platform for currency creation based on specific values. Take their K score and a dating matching algorithm add etsy and an open market transaction. Throw in local and collaborative consumption for the icing and cherry. A platform for creating and managing value encoded currencies. As the platform for these currencies, it could create/support/enable a mechanism for inter-market exchanges of value encoded currencies.

Currently no platform for this exists. I always saw this utility provided by an entity that was more standards based (ahem, who was my last client?), but hey, the open market is a wonderful thing.

This is why I watch Klout. This is why I think this company could be poised to transform the future in a way few of us can imagine.

If I'm honest with my futurist self, based on my research and the trends extrapolating into possible futures, it's not a question of IF this functionality will be created, but only BY WHOM.

Society, consumers, people are demanding this type of currency. They're being fed a shallow version of it through marketing and brand rewards - but the hunger is not sated.  The behavior has been primed by virtual (gaming) and alternate (rewards type) currencies. And many people are experimenting already with systematic work arounds (reselling gift cards network).

It's only a matter of time, and who. 

Klout is one company that could execute on the possibility. And that is why I watch them.

Scenic Flights

I read this WSJ article today about scenic flights (h/t @daveharkins). Well, you know the Heathervescent has flown more than 100k miles this year and I have some opinions of my own! So here's a quick list of my top. You'll notice I quickly skew to Mountains and Deserts. 

• Utah. Utah is one of the most under rated scenic states in the US (for us local Americans). LAX to NY, LAX to Denver, or  LAX to Toronto all pass this gorgeous landscape. You'll catch birds eye views of Zion, Grand Staircase, Escalante, Capital Reef, Canyonlands and Arches (Moab). All in about an hour. It's the most gorgeous landscape gorging feast. I toast it every time.



• LAX to Denver/Colorado Springs: In addition to the Utah feast, you'll watch the rolling Rocky Mountains. 
• LAX to Austin/Denver/Texas: I love this route as it flies directly over my own property before passing over Arizona (Monument Valley!) and New Mexico. 
• Brussels to Bologna: The Alps. Need I say more?



• LAX from the East: Any flight coming into LAX from the East/MidWest flys over the Mojave, often over Death Valley herself. And the flights from Texas, they fly right over my property near 29 Palms.
• Rio to Lima: Although I was scammed out of my window seat for this flight, I caught glimpses of the amazing Bolivian Desert before flying over the Andes. Um, just wow. I am going to fly this route again with a window seat.
• The Clouds: I never tire of looking out the window. Here's a recent Thunderhead.

That's the short list for now. What are _your_ favorite flight routes?

Positive Conflict

There's this idea that any kind of conflict is bad, is something to be shied away from. To avoid at all costs. I don't think anyone particularly likes an argument, but to me, passionate conversations, arguments and even conflict are a healthy part of interpersonal communications. 

My favorite "conflict" story comes from working with my favorite Dev team. The team was full of amazing genius software engineers. We were a small company building brand new technology and our small set of users didn't yet get the full understanding of how to use this new paradigm. A cross-functional team met (mostly engineering, myself, our tech writer and the head of Marketing - about half the small company). 

The very passionate discussion lasted a week. We met for 2-3 hours every day, hashing out the problem, exploring possible solutions, vehemently arguing for and against these solutions. There was some pretty empassioned discussion for this one little feature. One engineer was not backing down on his proposed solution. It was not the most elegant or beautifully designed solution, but it was probably more effective than the others proposed. We finally all agreed to test it out and evolve it as we iterated the product.

This week long passionate discussion ended with real solutions. Additionally, I felt a stronger rapport with the team. I had argued for a solution that was not chosen; but when I made my argument, everyone listened, we had a discussion around pros/cons. The same happened with the other solutions presented. 

The team I was a part of allowed open, dissenting opinions. Responded to them with respect and exploration. We were all there to create the best product we could; and we did. In the process, I had the best team experience of my entire life.

I still think back to that group of software engineers. I'm friends with many of them today. They were hands down the best team I have had the honor to work with.

I was reminded of this story a few weeks ago while reading The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. One of the five dysfunctions is:

• Fear of conflict—seeking artificial harmony over constructive passionate debate

Reading this clarified a personal conflict - seeing conflict as a bad thing (what society tells me) vs my direct experience with positive conflict. I never saw conflict as a bad or negative thing. For me, conflict is a way to put everything on the table for comprehensive clear discussion.

Not everyone is going to have the same opinion - especially if you are working on something cool and new. Teams have to have a mechanism for voicing, listening, addressing and exploring the topics where there is disagreement. 

Effectively doing this creates a stronger team. I experienced this directly in the story above. But I didn't understand the mechanics and why this happened until I read the 5 Dysfunctions book. It's a great book and I highly recommend it: The Five Dysfunctions of a Team.

I care about execution and getting results. Along the way there is bound to be some disagreements. I'm a passionate individual and I like to work with other passionate and smart people. (An A team player hires other A team players.) We don't always agree. That's totally fine.

I like to work with people who have different perspectives, knowledge and skillsets from myself. When I am a leader, I work to create the space and comfort for my team/crew to voice their disagreement/concerns. And I have to be comfortable listening to them. Sometimes it's not easy. :) But it's worth it, because in the end, we make something that is awesome. 

And that is what I want. An awesome team, empowered to make the most awesome thing we can and delivering something that is better than I can dream of - because it's a collaborative activity weaving together the strengths of everyone in the team. 

Strange Day

I breath. I do push-ups. I drive all over the Valley running errands. I'm holding it in. Distracting myself with errands for Sunday's production. I walk the dog. I give away a burning man ticket to a good friend. I'm asked for advice and I give it. I pay attention, which allows me to help my neighbor locate her lost friend (she was talking on the cell phone when I passed her walking the dog). I try not to think. I try not to freak out. About budgets. About life. I fail.

I look at my todo list. I eat home made cobbler and talk with a good friend. We both have fucked up relationships, fucked up lives we're managing. Not that the advice we give each other makes much a difference. We live our lives. We're both somewhat successful by normal standards, but not enough for either of us. We're ambitious I guess.

I search book titles on Amazon. I read about chemicals on Wikipedia. I've taken a sudden interest in psychology. Today's research obsession was passive-aggressiveness. I'm reading about topics I never gave one thought about. I was amused for hours by this site. One person once tried to tell me I was passive aggressive. She was wrong, I'm not passive at all. I made a decision when I was about 7 that I would never be passive.

I compose blog posts in my head; that I will probably never write. At least not this year. I have blog posts in my head from 15 years ago. Someday I'll tell those stories. (Someday I'll weave the one where I wasn't fucking the startup founder into one of these posts.) All this shit is material for the writer, I remind myself. Looking for the gems I can take with me. But living has lost its luster.

I listen to Steely Dan. I vacillate about Burning Man. I sleep. That's about the only thing I look forward to these days. The morning always brings my favorite coffee. Then it's back to breathing. Inhale. Exhale.

Chopping wood, carrying water.

Nootropics: The Spice is Real

Nootropics are drugs that make our brains and bodies better. Faster, smarter and can reduce the impact of aging. Sometimes they offer enlightenment. Nootropics are part of a larger trend that is exponentially advancing humanity. It takes our brains and bodies and makes them more efficient, pushing them farther, faster than evolution can on its own. 

IT Technology is another trend and when applied to medicine it has exponentially advanced our knowledge and understanding of ourselves. One subtrend of IT technology is the use of mobile computers (phones, tablets and soon to be small specific always connected electronics). The "cloud" makes these devices and interactions possible. That's the hardware side. There's the software side with open APIs and an "app" platform that encourages development by anyone. 

But what's beyond Mobile Medicine?

This is exactly the questions, Emily Empel (@localrat) and I propose to explore at SXSW in 2013 in our session entitled: Doctor in the Cloud: Beyond Mobile Medicine. 

If you're curious about how you might manage our health experience in the near-future, please leave a comment and give us an upvote (you have to register, but it takes just a moment and we really appreciate it).

We'll cover 

• Secure Accessible Health Records
• Mobile scanning
• Doc in a Box: the importance of pharmacies, health food sections
• Mobile Hospitals and Pop-up ER Units
• Alternate Transactions for medical treatments
• Food-a-ceducials
• Robotics and remote surgery
• Nootropics
• DIY Health
• Artisanal medicines
• Medical Tourism
• New Business Models

And while we love taking a positive view on the future, we give serious consideration to current and emerging concerns. We will include the downsides:

• Secure Accessible Medical Data
• Quality Medications
• Misdiagnosis
• Liability and Insurance

Emily and I will prepare the session with our usual robust research and present it with high energy and our engaging style. You'll leave our session with a broad understanding of current trends and a balanced view of what the near future promises.

We can't wait to share our results with you!

Please show your support with an upvote, like, tweet, and RT. We sincerely appreciate it!

Go to Doctor in the Cloud: Beyond Mobile Medicine submission.

Down

Limits pushed.
Hopes dashed.

Doing the right thing.
Only makes you a better person. (which makes everyone else worse.)

Making the world better.
Makes your experience of the world worse.

Because it falls short.
Of all expectations. 

It takes a lot of energy to create positive futures. It takes more energy to be positive than the negative. I'm lucky, I have a lot of energy available. I've cultivated it in myself. I know where to go to get it externally. But sometimes, all the energy in the world can't help me be positive. Like I've felt the past several weeks.

You see, there's this side to me. That few people see. That I don't let many people see. Because it is ugly and full of hate and anger. It is the part of me invoked when I'm fucked over again, when I'm stabbed in the back again, when I'm betrayed again, when my ideas are stolen again, when despite all the good I've done in the world, it's pain for the heathervescent again. 

I've been reading a lot of the Tao Te Ching lately. It's about the only thing that keeps me from slitting my wrists these days.

The Master has no mind of her own.
She works with the mind of the people.

She is good to people who are good.  
She is also good to people who aren't good.
This is true goodness.

She trusts people who are trustworthy.
She also trusts people who aren't trustworthy.
This is true trust.

This kind of sentiment crushes the Old Heathervescent. I mean, does it make you inspired to continue living with 99% of fucked up humanity? It does not inspire me. 

Yes, yes, I know, there is the good, the evolved, the beautiful in this world. Oh, believe me, I know about it. But sometimes, like now, all the beauty in the world doesn't matter.

Behind my positive futures is a raging hatred for the current reality. For the small-minded limited thinking of our race. I don't think we can evolve as a species fast enough. I, myself, can not wait to escape.

WFS12: An Unlikely Cocktail

Crossposted from @localrat's blog, my co-conspirator in presenting awe-some futures work this weekend. 

My co-conspirator (@heathervescent) and I are participating in two sessions at The World Future Society Conference. Last year, we presented on the “Best of Houston Futures” panel and renamed it “The Future of Money, Sex and Politics”.  Look out Toronto- we’re back!

At first glance, our topic areas are seemingly disparate. But think of them as your favorite cocktail combo- an unlikely mixture with intoxicating results. We’re futures mixologists and promise to inform, intrigue, and inspire. Here’s a sneak peak of what’s ahead:

Saturday 2:00 pm- 3:30 pm: The Future of Shopping: An Immersive Experience

It’s the first time we’re piloting this type of session! Heather and I have been conducting independent research on the future of transactions and retailing. We’ve decided to merge our interest areas into a scenario based futures immersion. During this session, you will have the chance to create and experience a future retail environment- complete with alternative currencies, rotique vendors, and virtual incentives.

Sunday 9:00 am- 10:30 am: Best of Houston Futures: The Demographic Transition

Heather and I were awarded third place by the Association of Professional Futurists for our systems model of the demographic transition. This is our first public showcasing of the model! If that doesn’t get you in the door, this should- two amazing futurists, Josh Lindenger and Jason Swanson, will also be presenting on the future of locomotive media and learning management systems. Best of Houston is a session for futurists who want to leave WFS tantalized by a wide breadth of topic areas they haven’t considered.

I’m now off to grab a real cocktail in the hybrid space. Tweet me (@localrat)!

I am SO EXCITED to co-present these two sessions with Emily. We got the idea to combine our research after last year's Houston Futures session (mentioned above) and submitted our idea. We've been working like mad the past week putting the final touches on our very interactive session. 

The second presentation, on the demographic transition, is something I am particularly proud of. The systems model we created is decidedly complicated with more than 160 equations in it. While challenging us, it only whet my appetite for more systems analysis. I'd really love to do this kind of work for the government (gasp!). I am also especially proud of our 3rd place award. It's always gratifying to be rewarded for excellent hard work (not always the case in the business world).

If you're not able to be in Toronto and are interested in our research, invite us to present to your group or company. We'd love to share this research broadly. 

If you like what we've done, let us know. And yes, we can be available for your projects.

Cleaning up the Shit

So, as you know, the heathervescent has spent a lot of time on airplanes this year. I've flown first class, business class, economy plus, and economy - all levels and on about 10 different airlines (I have no loyalty). 

I quickly created my own airplane amenities bag, that rivals even the best first class offerings, with full size of moisturizers, wet wipes, Dr. Hausha's lip balm, face mister, thick plushy eye mask and my leather moccasins. Right now, I'm rocking out at a window seat in the bulkhead row of economy and the only thing I'm missing is the footrest. Anyway, I digress.... I was going to talk about the bathrooms.

I kind of love airplane bathrooms. They are tiny and compact. They have little nooks and cranny's. Some of them have nice soap and my business class flight from London to Rio even had roses in the bathroom. I LOVED that touch! Anyway, one thing that doesn't change when you're flying Business class is the MESS that people make in the bathroom. I mean, water all over the floor, leaving the basin practically overflowing with soapy water, water splashed all over the place. And guys, seriously, if you're drunkedly pissing on the floor due to all the free drinks... well, at least I am not married to you, disgusting shits despite sharing this 10 hour flight from London to Los Angeles. (True story!)

Anyway, I was going to talk about cleaning the airplane bathrooms. It's something I do quite frequently. It started when I was 13 or 14. I think it was when I flew to Paris in first class. Back then they still had the tiny soaps. I'd go to the bathroom, do my business, and then give the bathroom a quick wipedown, sometimes leaving a towel and little soap folded nicely for the next person. You see, I like to make the kind of world I want to live in. I want to experience certain things... but I can't do those things for myself. And no one is really like me, and most do not think like me, so I'll really never experience the world the way I want to experience it, but I can give someone else a taste of how I might want to experience the world.

So I clean the airplane bathroom.

I was given pause to reflect about this today, when I was waiting in line for the bathroom. Two people were ahead of me. The door opened. The lady took one look inside and with an aire of disdain (and I do mean air"e") stated she would wait for the other one. The guy opted to use it. Quickly I might add. And he was out before the other bathroom finished. Lady continued to disreguard and I thought... how bad could it be. Worse than that Virgin Atlantic Upper Class drunk pisser? I asked the Flight Attendant for some supplies (wet paper towel and a can of club soda) and went in.

It wasn't that bad. But it was a mess. I went to work. Cleaning, wiping, using the soap. (The trick to cleaning a wet airplane bathroom floor? Throw papertowels on the floor, use your foot/shoe to wipe them all over the floor picking up the wet fluid. Use the paper towels liberally. Then grab another few paper towels, unfold them and use them to pick up semi-moist floor towels. Throw the big mess in the trash (by holding the trash door open with your other hand). Then wash your hands.

Easy.

And now, the mess is gone.

And I'm back to living in the world I want to live in. 

 

Lane splitting the Big Rigs

It's the Bay Area, 2003, I'm riding my second bike, a Honda Nighthawk, 750 ccs on 880, 280, across the Bay Bridge. I was trying to kill myself. My life meant nothing to me. I was at the edge. I had been pushed to the edge. 

A particularily rough commute. A very slow merge, car commuters, big rigs, and me, a suicidal lane splitter. I had years of lane splitting, but I always respected the big rigs, gave them room, dared not engage with them. Not that day. I zipped at reckless speeds between the hulking, slow moving transporters, one on each side, sometimes just one between the long line of cars.

The thrill I got, a tiny fly, weaving in the space between, could be smashed at any time. I still respected those big rigs, but I was a different animal. I was fast, nimble, efficient on a different scale. I used the space those big rigs couldn't. Audacious. Zoom, zoom.

This memory recently asserted itself. And while I haven't lane split on a motorycle in many years, I still identify with that past self. I'm still metaphorically lane splitting the big rigs.

Creating the Future in Films

Next week, I am headed to Vail, Colorado for the Cloud Identity Summit where we kick off the filming for my third Future Scenario Short. While my past two shorts have been design fictions, based on my research, this one is a little different. 

In Fly Me to the Moon I designed the product and user interface of something that currently does not exist - but the technology to enable it does. When working with my prop-makers, one of them suggested we mock up the software and display it, while another asked when we were going to actually build it. My sound guy on the shoot pulled me aside in a quiet moment and asked me with great excitement when this would be able. He started telling me how it would make going out with his friends easier. (I was beaming with validation of the results of my research and future scenarios.)

We used the same technique for the products showcased in Flowers for Grandma (still in post-production). I'm always gratified when people ask me if the products in these films exist after they see them. Well.... they could exist. It's not technology that is the limiting factor in most cases. It's collaboration between the existing systems. And since these existing systems are mostly owned and operated by large corporations, getting them to work together can sometimes be a challenge. And it was exactly for this reason that I joined Innotribe.

Well, we might see those things change in this third video. But you'll have to wait until Fall, where we'll globally launch it at Sibos in Osaka. I bet it will show you a positive vision of the future that you can barely imagine today...

Playing A Role

I've felt like my life has recently been a play and replay of this scene. 

Regardless of my evolution, enlightenment, self-awareness, following the path makes my heart raw. Well, if I'm doing it right, my heart is raw. It's a roundtrip from consciousness/awareness ("pure being") to shitty humanity/day to day drama.

But that's ok. Because that's what this life is. A game, a jungle gym, for flexing, building and using muscles, knowledge, information. I'll play my role. I'll provoke. I'll allow myself to be stabbed, show the vulnerable underbelly. (Sometimes I'm the one wielding the ax that cuts forever.) Because I gain valuable information with each "role" "experience". I chose to consciously create my life. I'm here, in these places, playing these roles for a reason - and that reason is partly mine, but also for others...

In the end, evolution. Opening possibilities. Choice. Be-ing.

Que Saudade and the Problema com Succeso

Note: This post was written, but not published, when I was in Rio de Janeiro.

I walk these city street at home as in Los Angeles. I love the black and white mosaics, the moist air, the breeze, the grand mountains of rock, the ocean waves. The language returns to my tongue, unspoken for over a decade. Its sounds are hot and salty on my lips, I twist the words improperly, with my american "soutake" and mis-conjugated verbos. But my passion is there.

I had forgetten. How could I have forgotten? Forgotten the joy, to forget the longing.

--

Walking back after midnight from the Copacabana night market, I decided to pass by a certain corner I had written up in my Rio de Janeiro guidebook 12 years ago. It was across the street from my beachfront apartment. It had a cool little bar and boteco. Imagine my shock! when I saw the tiny local place with barely 6 seats had quadrupled in squarefootage becoming a pizzeria. Taking over the little bar with the Marlene Dietrich shrine. Bright lights.

My heart died. I thought... I did this. I personally contributed to this reality.

God DAMN, Heather! You did not THINK of the impact of putting these things into a popular guidebook! I kept walking into Ipanema, beating myself up for my lack of consciousness, for my inability to see this possibility 12 years ago. I kept thinking about success and failure. Which was worse? Wondering how and when things happened. Did the bar owner sell out and start a new bar elsewhere (quietly)? Obviously the botequim was doing well, they had expanded. The business was good. I suppose that was good - for the business.

But still... as I walked the empty after midnight streets in Ipanema, a single woman, alone, wearing platform fluevogs, wondering what I would find in the shadows, realizing I had nothing to fear, because I was one of them.

The Stars My Destination

"I took. I went and took. What did I leave in return? My change."

Tornado powered me 15 thousand miles. Across the great plains into the concrete jungles of New York. Across the North Atlantic to European countryside with fields, cows and wind power windmills. Skirting the edge of Europe and Africa before traversing the Atlantic once more, to the Southern Hemisphere to a favorite dream land. 

In darkness I landed. I remembered my first (terrified) time in this airport almost 20 years earlier. Different this time. No fear walking the Copacabana midnight streets. In Rio the tornado changed, shifted, transformed. A phoenix rose from the tornado calm: a blue stone wrapped in silver gold, etched with a symbol. Symbols.

The tornado powered me once more; from the South American Atlantic to the Pacific. Walking the streets of Lima with a friend, a one who is unlike any other, crystallized the fate of the tornado. Transformation, but not death. A symbol, for one and many, appeared in the calm center.

It's this symbol I returned with to Los Angeles. A symbol Los Angeles is most know for. Full circle perfection. 

Walking with/in the Shadows

I've been listening to this song on repeat a lot recently.... I really like the lyrics.

Look back to see all the dreams 
You said you never even tried for
Like mirrors try to see 
New reflections that will be
Crystal Illusions

I'll walk but don't walk behind me
I'll go where no one will find me
The shadows walking beside me will find me

Could it be I'm just a dreamer
only looking for the sun
If I stay awake the morning
I believe the day will come

I'll go away
(I'll go away)
I'll find a way
(I'll find a way)
I'll try to know
(Know what I say)
I'll go

All the love that hides behind the eyes 
That try to find a reason
If you only look within it's true
Love will begin
Waiting there to find you

I'll walk but don't walk behind me
I'll go where no one will find me
The shadows walking beside me will find me

All I want to know is wonder
Want my eyes to feel the rain
All the tears that spill for sorrow
Will begin and end again

I'll go away
(I'll go away)
I'll find a way
(I'll find a way)
I'll try to know
(Know what I say)
I'll go

I'll walk but don't walk behind me
I'll go where no one will find me
(I will be waiting for the sun)
The shadows walking beside me will find me
(I want my eyes to feel the rain)
I'll walk but don't walk behind me
(We'll begin and end again)
I'll go where no one will find me
(I will be waiting for the sun)
The shadows walking beside me will find me . . .

- Sergio Mendez and Brazil 66

LA-nniversary

This week marks my return to Los Angeles. The purple flowering Jacarandas celebrate dropping their trumpet shaped flowers on the sidewalk, bright green grass and my head during the dog walk. Two favorite colors: purple and green, psychedelic even more together. I feast my eyes on my favorite Jacaranda trees, their branches twisting in the air, despite gravity. Their buds growing, filling the sky with purple blossoms before falling to the ground. 

It's been eight years in this city. I still love "la dona" as much now as in the beginning. 

Indulge me as I reflect. When I arrived in Los Angeles I had no plans. I specifically unplanned. Eight years later, I've done a lot. I've _been_ a lot (of different people). Not too shabby for someone with no job, no friends, nothing more than a 1 month sublet in Venice. 

I feel I've completed an equal shift. I've physically moved. My relationship status is offroad after more than six years. (ps. I am NOT in the market.) I've shifted professionally too, from product management, blogging, performing and marketing consulting to become a professional futurist who also makes films. I have an amazing job, where I might actually be able to positively improve the lives of billions of people (anonymously). I've consciously evolved, created and undone my personal brand. I'm "enlightened" "conscious" "aware" - not that it makes living or being any easier. I understand my own programming - and sometimes when I have enough energy, I can understand others too. 

I feel I am in a similar place as that day eight years ago. I have no idea what the future might bring. (Well, professionally, yes, I do know what it _could_ bring.) Despite not knowing, what do I _want_ it to bring? I'm not even sure about that. I've accomplished a lot. I'd be fine going down in a fiery crash. (I have a good relationship with my death - maybe too good.) 

I think I'll leave my mind open, I don't need to make any decisions right now anyway. I use my past as the spring board, the moment now, my toes curled around the end, except there is no pool below, I have my transformative purple tornado in the palm of my hand, I ask her to blow, my feet bounce, toes curled, the wind swirls, gently, hot scent of desert creosote, I bend my knees, open my hands, drop the weight, release, a moment's pause, infinite, the jump, I catch the light from the Vanilla Sky, I spring up into it, caught on the winds.... these beautiful Santa Ana winds that come in from the desert, making crystal clear the Hollywood Hills.

My feet are no longer grounded, but that's ok. I'm grounded as the earth. I'm grounded as a planet in the solar system, orbiting the sun. I'm not just experiencing the Vanilla Sky, I'm creating it, along with you.

"All these adventures begin simply. The listener thinks it'll soon be over, but one story creates another, and then another."

Grounded as the Earth

Every solid handhold I created the past 5 years has shifted.  So far, I've traveled almost 60k miles this year, my preferred tool has been broken/in for repair for 2 1/2 months and I just moved (it only took me 3 1/2 months to do it). (There are other, larger shifts, not mentioned here too.) 

Needless to say, I have felt a bit unsettled. I needed to find a sense of "grounding." Stability. But, I was rarely home. I spend more time with my suitcase than I do with my dog.  I'm in an airplane a LOT. My feet are barely on the ground. 

So I embarked on a thought experiment. I started with a vision of grounding. I thought of tree roots in the earth. A vertical grounding, so the tree could grow, strong yet flexible in the winds of change. But this concept of roots wasn't working for me. 

Then I started thinking about the earth. What's the earth grounded to/with? Nothing? It's a sphere hanging in space. The earth has no "roots." It lays on nothing. I envisioned the solar system, the planets - all wondering what how they were "grounded". In nothing? Spinning? Then I saw the earth is "rooted" in its core.

I thought about this.  I liked that. Seemed to make sense. But how to translate this concept to moi, human? My core is not not a physical core, although it comes with me where ever I go. Part body, part mind, part something else. It's the part of me that rocked a 2 week trip after my computer died on the airplane (and proceeded to give 2 presentations with temporary tools). This combination of self, part personal identity, part body, part mind, part online connectivity. It's where and what I'm rooted in as I physically move around this globe.

Cutting the Line

I had a new experience in rudeness last night as I waited in the popcorn line at the New Beverly Theater. It was a David Lynch double feature: Lost Highway and Mulholland Drive. I was looking forward to a respite after the emotionally taxing (and ongoing) move.

I was cranky. My place was a mess with boxes, my new home office (kitchen style) was bare bones. I had spent the morning running around getting my Brazilian Visa. My internet was giving me dial-up speeds. The dog was upset and being bratty. Work wasn't pulling any punches either. At least I had another 2 weeks in LA before the mother of all travels. All I wanted to do is stare at a screen at a more surreal Los Angeles than the one I live in/created.

The popcorn line is around the corner into the theater. We go get our seats and ponder getting in it. It's not getting any shorter. Finally, I say I'll do it, weave my way through the seats to the line. I'm in no mood to talk to anyone. I want the damn popcorn and red vines and that's it. I didn't come to a movie theater to be social. 

So as noted before, the popcorn line is quite long. Anyone who sees it, understands that's the situation. You don't want to wait in line, don't wait in line! As I walk up to join the end, a large woman walks into the theater. Her arms are full of snacks and two bottles of coconut water. She questions everyone, are you the end of the line? are you the end of the line? Well, I was the end of the line. At which point, she asks/declares/demands in no uncertain terms that I hold her a spot in line behind me while she goes to get her seat. I tell her that I disagree and that I will not do that. That if she wants to get in line, get in line now or come back and take your chances. She insists that I hold her spot. I tell her in no uncertain terms I will not do that, but I will convey her request to the people that get in line behind me and they can decide. 

After five minutes or so (the line is moving s.l.o.w.) she returns and demands her spot. There are now 5 people behind me. During her 5 minute absence I have communicated the situation to the guy behind me. As he is a nice person, he allows her to get in line. She is not in it more than 1 minute before asking him to save her spot while she does something (I did not hear her reason). She leaves the line (again!) and does not return until she is the 3rd person in line (another 10 minutes or more). 

W.T.F. woman?!

You've just taken the prize for the rudest person I've had the pleasure of encountering in this city!